I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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