my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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