i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
