i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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