My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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