the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
