I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
