no, he came in my armpit
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
