Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my phone needs a breathalizer
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
