You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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