do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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