we're chasing vodka with high fives
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
