turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
