get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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