Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Houston, we have a blender
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
