I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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