If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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