Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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