Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
