woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
