my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
