There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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