and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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