Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
