More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
