by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
