he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
