you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
