True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
