Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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