I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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