That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
