god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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