btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
