Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
