the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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