walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
