dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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