she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
