Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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