You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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