my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
