Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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