i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
