Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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