if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
