i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
