I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
