the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
