Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
